Monday, June 7, 2010

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky were shooting stars...

I really could use a wish right now, wish right now--B.o.B with Hayley William of Paramore

Warning: This post is a little TMI and not really checked for grammar errors nor spelling mistakes.

I have thought of a million different ways to start this post. I have thought of a funny little story of "this one time I went to Prentice". I thought about sad openings of "so umm...really worst day ever because..." I said, oh shit, I must back track my post because now I sent out this exciting news and now I will have to announce the not so exciting news.

But here the truth or the heart beat not heard around the emergency room that day on May 20th 2010. Two weeks ago, my life was forever changed the same way it was forever changed when we heard the news that we were pregnant again. We discovered that we were not pregnant any longer. I rushed up to Chicago for Dylan's wiggleworms class with her in my pikiolo and ran to the restroom because I had to use it so bad. I saw some spotting.

I couldn't worry about that right then and there because we were late for class. My midwife called to reschedule our appointment to hear the baby's heartbeat. I told her what I discover and she told me to head to the ER. We did not have a heartbeat establish yet and they will be able to establish it. Nick came over to lincoln square leaving work to meet me at Bad Dog Traven.

We made our way to Northwestern Hospital to discover that there was no heartbeat. I was 10 weeks pregnant but the baby stop developing at 6 weeks. So that was not good. The crying started for sure that night.

It's funny that we had a lot of weight of our shoulders taken off right away. First thoughts were: Wow, They won't be so close now; We can actually enjoy our vacations; Moving will be 10 times easier; Not being force to buy a new car... We felt relived that we were not pregnant anymore. We did not have to worry about another life or another huge bill. We could have our home birth in Oregon where the treatment of midwives is much better then Illinois.

But overall, we were just sad. We just lost our little baby. We had started to get ready for this little baby. We brought the new baby bundle from g diapers. I brought a lot of sale maternity clothes. We had brought and research new clothes for the baby since it was going be born in the winter instead of the summer.


Why did we buy all that stuff so soon? Why did we tell people so soon? What did we do to deserve this? Was is my fault because of my genetic history, my crazy work style, not taking prenatals? Was it my fault?

Our hearts were broken :(

Nick stayed home the following day and we were a family for 4 days straight. I called work and got that taken care of for now. I called my midwife. She told me, my options were naturally letting it pass or a D&C. I sat on that information all weekend. I seeked out my mommy friends to see who had a miscarriage. Not as many as I thought but enough information to know what to do.

We let it pass naturally. I had the time off work to let it happen. It came in spots/chucks for days until following thursday.

Blood clots so big that it would scared the shit out of you big time. Cramps that were unpleasant. Soaking though a pad every half hour to an hour. Curled up on the bed, rocking back and forth. Honestly, really bad times. I fell asleep and 3 hours later woke up drenched in blood all over myself, my bed and everything. We got up to clean it all. I was so lightheaded that we made a mad dash to the Edwards ER with Lee watching Dylan at home.

More annoying hospital crap, a catheter with fluids being pushed into my bladder (THAT HURT SO BAD) with another ultrasound to find no traces of a pregnancy left. So it was all done right!?!?!? Nope, more spotting for another week. Not nearly as bad as the past week but annoying none the less.

More questions rushed through my head: Why would women have more then one of these? Or have 3 or more? One was more then enough. Why was this taking so long to heal? Would I be able to carry another child to full term? Just because I did that once doesn't mean I can do it again. Would I be able to have sex again? What does losing this child mean to our overall childbearing years? What was the bigger picture? When will actually talking about this out loud not make me want to cry shortly afterwards? I want to cry about it now.

Yesterday, I receive information about SHARE, a program at Edwards for miscarriages and baby loss. It was a support group for women. What about men? But I realize that I do not need to go to that support group. It was not for me. What I need to do is taking about it hear? I need to write it all down and share it with the world. I do not know who reads my blog if it just family and friends or people out in the world but I need to do this for me regardless of my readers.

I need to start healing my heart and my head. I need to let it go out there in the world. I need someone to stumble on to my post and relate somehow but I am not writing for them. I am writing this for me. Hence, I really do not care if this does not sound grammatically correct or not but I do have my husband sitting here watch the blackhawks game randomly helping me with spelling. I need to move on.

I decided to start reading "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". Also, we went out for dinner two nights after we find out that we miscarried. We ate very good sushi and I got buzzed. We honor baby meiborg #2 in style.

I am turning off comments on this post. Also, please do not e-mail me. Like I said before, I am writing this post for me. This is my support group.