Friday, April 12, 2013

The unexpected journey

Getting pregnant with Dylan was easy. It had no thought to the process. We were one week pregnant with her when we got married. It was an easy pregnancy. Everything that came after that was hard. This is a story that is not deserving of a medal or pity. It is not a story where we have gone to the ends of the earth to find out why. It is quite the typical story as I have been meeting more and more women with my woes. It is just our story. We had gotten pregnant again when Dylan was 9 months old. We were scared shitless. OMG, 18 months apart. How could we handle two under two? Double the diapers, double the craziness. We had already made some decisions from Dylan's pregnancy and birth that we were going to be gun hoe about this time around. We are going to not find out the gender and have a homebirth. We furiously looked at homebirth midwives and found one we really liked. On our 10 week appointment, our midwife called to tell us that she is at a birth and needed to reschedule. I had found blood about the same time she had called. We called her back to tell her what I had found and she suggested to visit the ER. So we miscarried. I spare you the gory details because they are on another post that I had written at the time. I look back on it now and realize that I did not know how bad a miscarriage could get and I got off easy. I had friends who helped me through it. Thank you again if you are one of many who would read this. I had great support from my family. I had my little girl that I was so thankful to be her mama. I had a wonderful husband that took days off just to be with me. It was a hard at the time but easy in retrospect. Also, I could rationalize it because everyone has at least one miscarriage. Boy was I wrong. December 2011, we found out that we were pregnant again. We were overjoyed but nervous. I called my midwife to tell her that I was pregnant again. She gave me the option of either blind faith wait until the 10 week check up or go for a 6 week ultrasound. We picked the ultrasound. I was not going to lose this baby. Counted the 6 weeks then when in for the check. The baby came in about a week later then it should have been which was a tiny red flag but not a full blown one. Our midwife was out of the country so we started seeing her partner. She was wonderful by the way. Had some blood test that were coming back in red flag mode then did another ultrasound that was Full Red Flag Mode. The baby had a very weak heartbeat and was nowhere near where it should have been development wise. Then the last ultrasound confirmed that we had miscarried another baby. Brokenhearted! The due date was my 29th birthday which I was born on my dad's 29th birthday. We were ready for that baby. So ready! Those questions that everyone woman has were coming back in full swing. Since, we had such a peaceful and natural miscarriage with the first one that we wanted the same thing for this one. I did not want a D&C if I did not have to have it. OMG, Hindsight is so 20/20. The miscarriage officially started on my sister's birthday. It did not stop for 6 weeks. We ended up in the ER after very painful cramping two nights in a row. It was bad. I was begging for a D&C at the ER. I thought that was it but it kept going until I saw a miracle OB. After 6 weeks of bleeding and poor care from my midwife, I was given a recommendation for a wonderful godness of an OB. She was a full service woman. We did blood test, another ultrasound (5 so far!) and was in for a D&C by that friday. My sister dropped everything to be with Dylan that morning. I was so thankful to be done with all that bleeding that I really didn't care that I was going to be having a D&C the very thing, I did not want to begin with. She also recommend that I saw one of her therapist on staff. I was so tired and beat up by that point that I could only recover by seeing someone. She helped me out so much that I was always be thankful. This was one of those life changing moments in a marriage and in life that we are different people now. We took this challenge and it made us so much stronger. I will always be thankful for the help of my husband, family and friends. It had taken me a long time to heal. I could not be happy for all the people who announce pregnancies around the same time, mine was suppose to be born. I liked their post but I was heartbroken. How could they be on their 2nd or 3rd child when I haven't even had mine yet. I had Dylan and was super happy that at least we were able to have one baby. I know most people struggle to even just have the one. I am grateful for her every day. So we were starting to think that we were going to be a one child family. Our MO was always, "let's not try to try". We threw that theory out of the window this past summer. We did try. We failed. We were heartbroken all summer long. Why oh why, now that we are wanting to try for another baby, we were failing at trying to get pregnant. All the other times, we got pregnant without a second thought. But somehow, the plan for us wasn't willing to give up so soon. But that's a story for another day. (note: I am turning the comments off again. This was my personal story that needed to be told. Also, I am not going back to edit it. I want it to be pure.)

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